Friday, July 8, 2011

What the hell do I do?

I live in Baton Rouge, most people my age (23) have very different interests than I do and no one seems to give a damn about anything but money, cars, clothes, sex, drugs... need I go on? I'm someone without a place, and I'm not going to have myself defined by the quantity or quality of possessions or my personal features. People have told me they think I'm attractive, that I'm smart and a very thoughtful person. Though here I am alone because I ask questions. Most of these questions are existential or has to do with a sense of identity or purpose... I've found that people tend not to associate with people who have thoughts of this nature. I've just got questions, there are no underlying factors in the matter such as depression or psychological disorder. These questions are just very interesting and I find them even more intriguing as I go. I feel that most of these people I come across are afraid of the questions... that they may lose something if they accept them. This is not an obsession it's merely something that started as a simple inquiry and has become more of an investigation. I have no formal education, I went to a trade school for HVAC and was interested in getting into physics because of it. I've been doing nothing but waiting tables for 2 and 1/2 years until I'm 24 to hopefully gain federal grant money to go back to school. I'm at a threshold here.... I'm unsatisfied with life because I feel that I understand a great deal more than I should because of my idleness and the fact that I study people's behavior all day. What do I do with myself? I know too much to feel comfortable working a bullcrap job. I'm limited by my previous job experience and degrees don't seem to be earning jobs anymore. I don't feel I'll be successful at anything because my interests don't agree with what jobs I have available to me. I feel I'll be doing this for the rest of my life and I've started to feel a degree of futility. I'm tired of playing these games with people, going through motions, filling the blank... There is so much nonsense incorporated into everyday life it's absurd. Please, if anyone has some suggestions let me know. I'm not looking for shallow words of encouragement or to be offered a parallel perspective to make me feel as though someone else has gone through this and it will get better... I'm tired of those and they make no difference. If someone has a real suggestion as to a community that asks these questions or a possible career path that will agree with philosophical interests let me know.

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